“You want to make me the best soldier possible. We survive for the same reason we have often survived extinction-dumb luck. Whether it’s the fact that old-lady yodel-music causes their brain tissues to explode or their spaceships run on operating systems compatible with MacOS, we don’t win because of our ingenuity or determination. Plenty of movies are focused more on the results than the methods. It is our “microscopic allies” that manage to break down the alien defenses, leaving only decaying piles of bodies for our surviving sanitation workers to dispose of. In the most common method of ending an alien invasion, humans don’t get any of the credit. “But there are no bacteria in Mars, and directly these invaders arrived, directly they drank and fed, our microscopic allies began to work their overthrow.” - War of the Worlds by H.G. Then there are the aliens to whom we are merely an inconvenience to be crushed before tapping into our sweet, sweet natural resources.ĭespite the odds, our incompetence, and their obvious technical superiority, we often succeed in putting a stop to their aggression. To others, we are fleshy shells in which to live or ride upon, or work to death as slaves. For some, we’re mostly liquid bags of precious nutrients-we’re basically walking, talking Capri Suns. Not only are their methods manifold-aliens also have diverse reasons and goals when it comes to bending the human race to their vast and unsympathetic wills. When you think about it, it’s amazing we poorly-evolved apes ever survive their superior onslaught at all. There are barely five documented and proven methods to end them.
In truth, there are not five distinct ways to win a battle against an alien invasion. You can usually assume that if they are here, they are more advanced than us technologically. We barely have the means to leave low-Earth orbit, but these would-be conquerors have traveled light years with the express purpose of pressing us into human-flavored cider. Nearly the only common element between the alien invasions depicted in our films, books, and video games is that humanity appears doomed from the start.Īfter all, they come to us. They practice terrifying experimentation on their captured human slaves, transplanting Sarah Jessica Parker’s head onto the body of a poor, innocent Chihuahua. They affix to our brain stems and control us like meat puppets. Their terrible death machines burn our cities into ash. They impregnate our women with creepy telepathic children. Their evil plants strangle our children and livestock. They infiltrate us secretly, replacing us with doppelgängers. They strike from the heavens and rain down fiery death. Series: The Tales of Gorlen Vizenfirthe.Series: From the Lost Travelers’ Tour Guide.People of Colo(u)r Destroy Science Fiction!.
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